Once upon a time, in the not-so-distant past, corporate titans could casually toss around a few billion dollars, swallow their competitors whole, and christen the resulting colossus "SynergyCo: Because One Monopoly is Never Enough." But lo and behold, the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) and the Department of Justice (DOJ) have suddenly remembered that antitrust laws are more than just bedtime stories for economists.
Leading this regulatory renaissance is FTC Chairman Andrew Ferguson, who recently announced that the FTC and DOJ's joint 2023 Merger Guidelines are still in effect. Yes, you heard that right. Despite the change in administration, the antitrust rulebook remains unchanged, much to the chagrin of corporate giants hoping for a laissez-faire paradise.
But the pièce de résistance in this antitrust opera is the DOJ's audacious lawsuit against private-equity titan KKR. Accused of playing fast and loose with premerger filings in at least 16 transactions between 2021 and 2022, KKR now faces a potential $650 million penalty. It's as if the DOJ is saying, "Surprise! We do read those filings after all."
Meanwhile, over at the FTC, a game of musical chairs has left the agency teetering on the edge of chaos. President Trump's recent firings of Democratic commissioners Alvaro Bedoya and Rebecca Kelly Slaughter have sparked a legal and bureaucratic quagmire. With the FTC's bipartisan balance disrupted, consumer rulings now dangle precariously in legal limbo, much like a law student during finals week.
As the antitrust spotlight intensifies, M&A attorneys find themselves in a Kafkaesque landscape where every merger is a potential minefield. Gone are the days of rubber-stamped approvals; now, every deal requires navigating a labyrinthine regulatory gauntlet. It's enough to make one long for the simplicity of drafting 300-page contracts in archaic legalese.
But fear not, weary M&A attorney! Legal LOLz is here with some completely legal (wink, wink) strategies to navigate this regulatory minefield:
The real secret? Hire a really good lobbyist. And maybe offer a few regulators a "consulting gig" after they retire. It's not bribery; it's "career planning."
So, dear reader, arm yourselves with these strategies. Stay sharp, stay creative, and remember that in the world of M&A, the only thing more important than money is… finding a way to keep it.
Legal Disclaimer: This editorial is satirical and not intended as legal advice. Please consult with a qualified attorney (who is not, hopefully, currently facing ethics charges) before engaging in any merger or acquisition activities. Also, please do not bribe government officials. We're joking. Mostly.
Unfiltered tales, gripes, groans, and gallows humor from attorney chat rooms
The Associate's Lament: Is Partner Feedback Just Sophisticated Gaslighting? Forget billable hours, the real unit of measurement in BigLaw is how many times you can rewrite a memo based on contradictory "suggestions" from a partner who probably hasn't written anything longer than a grocery list since 1998. Is "See attached edits, make substantial changes" actually code for "I haven't read this, but I need to feel important"? A recent thread asked, "Is anyone else convinced 'constructive criticism' is just a thinly veiled excuse for senior partners to relive their glory days while subtly implying we're all just legally-trained chimpanzees?" The answer, predictably, was a resounding and slightly bitter "Yes, and pass the scotch."
"Client Relations": aka How Many Sacrifices to Appease the Gods of Revenue? Clients, bless their clueless hearts, are the lifeblood of any firm… and also the reason 90% of lawyers develop stress ulcers. The online chatter is always the same: From demanding weekend filings because they "just remembered something important" at 11 PM on Friday, to expecting the same legal firepower that took down Enron for their HOA dispute over a petunias, clients always demand the best for the least amount. One comment sums it up: "I'm starting to think that's why I got into the legal field, to start dealing with other people problems"
Billable Hours: The Soul-Crushing Math Making Lawyers Retail-Ready The billable hour struggle's got chat room attorneys ready to ditch law for a gig slinging fries. One's bitching, "Partner jacked my target to 2200 hours and 'rewarded' me with a $50 gift card. Now I'm dodging his 'where's my memo' texts like a deadbeat dad." Another's whining, "Billed 1900 last year, got a pat on the back and a lecture about 'hustle'. My Apple Watch thinks I'm a corpse." They're dreaming of a 9-to-5 where "urgent" doesn't mean midnight emails from a partner who thinks sleep's for losers. Law's basically a pyramid scheme with better coffee.
Episode 7: "The Visa Whisperer"
Setting: Boston, 2030. Immigration law has reached a point where even ChatGPT needs therapy.
Main Characters:
Act 1: A Minor Visa Violation (and by minor, we mean felony)
Oscar enters the firm's "Immigration Command Center," a conference room lined with flags, expired passports, and a cardboard cutout of Lady Liberty crying.
Tanya sits nervously, clutching a Dunkin' iced coffee and a Canadian passport that looks like it's been microwaved.
Act 2: The Legal Strategy That Should Be Illegal
Oscar begins preparing the case. Bruno offers suggestions like he's on Adderall and Red Bull.
Act 3: Welcome to the Department of Homeland Insecurity
Oscar, Tanya, and Bruno appear at Tanya's USCIS interview via hologram (budget cuts). Agent Dale looks like a man who hasn't smiled since 2011.
Act 4: Somehow, It Works
Against all odds, and probably due to a database crash at DHS, Tanya gets approved.
Closing Scene: The Debrief
Back at the office, Lisa walks by the glass wall and sees Oscar face-down on the conference table.
End Scene.
JOB ALERT: Kensington & Hale LLP - Immigration Attorney (because borders are suggestions, but ICE is forever)
Are you a J.D. who can juggle court deadlines, FOIA requests, and a client base that includes three mariachi bands and a crypto millionaire from Estonia? Do you enjoy being the last line of defense between your client and a one-way flight to a country they left during the Bush administration? Well, you're in luck. Kensington & Hale's Boston office wants you!
Position: Immigration Associate. Deportation Dodgeball Division
Location: Boston, MA (where Dunkin' is a religion, and immigration court is basically a lottery with fluorescent lighting)
Compensation: Competitive, plus frequent flyer miles from emergency ICE airport runs.
Hours: 9 to 5... in five different time zones.
Perks:
Requirements:
Apply now! Join Kensington & Hale's Immigration Avengers Initiative and help people stay in the country legally. One panicked email at a time.
(Seriously, apply. Our senior partner just got handcuffed at Logan protesting a deportation, and we need someone to run the office while he fights the charges. Also, the bail ain't cheap!)
LEGAL FLEX: vanity plates for lawyers who drive the law (and everyone else) crazy
Why settle for "Esq." when you could roll up with a plate that screams "Try me, Karen"?
Introducing our brand new Legal LOLz Vanity Plate Collection. Because your car deserves to talk as much smack as your closing arguments.
Spotted on the road: SU3ME – For when they tailgate you... and you low-key hope they hit you. DISMISSD – The court, your ex, and that dude who thought he could out-negotiate you.
Also in the docket: LAWLORD – For attorneys who bill $900/hr and still drive like a Bond villain. JUST1CE – Because justice may be blind, but your car is loud and fabulous.
👉 Snag yours now before opposing counsel does: Shop All Plates
Because in this courtroom… we drive petty.
AmLaw 50-200 associates waiting to take AmLaw 1-50 associates' jobs who quit to stick it to the man
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P.S. This newsletter is 100% billable if you read it on the clock. Just saying.
