Elon Musk's new AI "lawyer" sues God, wins default judgment
In a move that shocked exactly no one, Elon Musk's latest AI venture, X.LAW (pronounced "slaw"), successfully filed suit against "God, Yahweh, Allah, and/or the Cosmic Entity Formerly Known as Kanye" for "breach of divine contract re: human suffering."
The case was heard in a "metaphysical small claims court" (hosted on Twitter/X), where God failed to appear after being served via "prayer" notification. The AI was awarded $8 billion in existential damages, payable in "unlimited virality" and "one free pass on SEC violations."
Musk celebrated by tweeting, "Lawyers are obsolete. Also, buy Dogecoin."
Federal judge sanctions lawyer for excessive use of Latin phrases
In a stunning rebuke to legal pomp, Judge Sandra Meanit of the 10th Circuit sanctioned attorney Chad Stentorian for "egregious and reckless deployment of unnecessary Latin."
According to court records, Stentorian repeatedly exclaimed "res ipsa loquitur" at inappropriate times, shouted "habeas corpus" whenever objections were overruled, and ended every closing argument dramatically whispering "Et tu, Brute?"
The court ordered remedial English lessons and mandatory attendance at "Latin Abusers Anonymous."
Big Law firm launches "Associate Fight Club" with lethal billable bonuses
Fleming, Underwood & Klein has taken "cutthroat competition" to new depths, unveiling an underground "Associate Fight Club" where junior lawyers battle to the death for a $50,000 bonus and a corner office.
Managing partner Dirk "The Shiv" Vanderstrike boasted, "First rule: bill the client. Second rule: bleed the opponent."
Last week's bout saw a first-year snap a rival's neck with a rolled-up merger agreement, clocking 3.2 hours at $1,200/hour, billed as "strategic dispute resolution."
HR insists it's consensual, but the firm's new motto, "You don't talk about FUK," has survivors trembling.
Breaking News: "Pro Boner" Legal Initiative Gets Awkward Reception
In a misguided attempt at creativity, a prominent New York law firm Hardy, Peters & Johnson LLP proudly launched their new "Pro Boner" initiative today, claiming it was meant to "arouse interest" in free legal services.
Amid immediate backlash and awkward giggles, managing partner Thomas Hardy clarified: "Obviously, we meant 'Pro Bono.' It was just a typo. Our paralegal was very excited."
The firm quickly withdrew the announcement, but not before thousands of lawyers replied asking if participation counted toward mandatory ethics CLE credits.
Disclaimer: It's April 1st. Cite responsibly, counsels.
Episode 8: "Client from Hell, Partner from Purgatory"
Setting: NYC, 2030. Goldstein, Patel & McCormick LLP, where the AI writes the motions, but humans still eat the blame.
Main Characters:
Plot:
It's 7:58 AM. Oscar's still chewing his breakfast bagel when Bruno blurts:
"Incoming escalation: Client is demanding a TRO, 17 redlines, and a kitten clause added to the master agreement, all before 9 AM."
Oscar sighs. "Classic Tuesday."
Lisa storms in seconds later: "Oscar, this client is worth $3M in ARR. If we lose him, you lose your chair. And Bruno, if one more doc goes out with Comic Sans..."
Just then, the client's AI fires off 12 contradictory contract versions, triggers a DocuSign loop, and floods the firm's inbox with 743 "Final_FINAL2_REALLYFINAL_THISONE_v9.docx" attachments.
Oscar freezes. Bruno glitches. Lisa fumes.
And then Sasha Vega enters.
She's armed with three monitors, two espresso shots, and a Post-It labeled "Plan G."
With zen precision, Sasha:
Thirty minutes later, TRO is filed, client is pacified, and Lisa's hair stops smoldering.
Closing Scene:
Oscar toasts Sasha with his lukewarm coffee.
Bruno says, "Legal assistants: surprisingly efficient for carbon-based lifeforms."
Lisa mutters, "Remind me to triple her salary. Or at least get her a chair that doesn't squeak."
Sasha smiles, already deep into her next task: saving the firm's ass. Again.
End Scene.
JOB ALERT: Kensington & Hale LLP - Legal Assistant (a.k.a. The Human Firewall Between Chaos and Disbarment)
Are you the kind of person who color-codes your color-coded calendar? Do you have the supernatural ability to calm a screaming client, troubleshoot a glitchy AI paralegal, and explain to a partner for the third time today how to "unmute on Zoom"? Then boy, do we have a job for you in sunny, litigious Miami, where the Wi-Fi is unstable, the clients are volatile, and the AC is always broken.
Position: Legal Assistant – Department of Everything
Location: Miami, FL (where depositions start late, brunch starts early, and subpoenas arrive by courier on Jet Skis)
Compensation: Competitive AF + hazard pay if you survive Q4
Hours: Technically 9-6. Realistically… do you sleep?
Perks:
What You'll Do:
Must-Haves:
Bonus Points If You:
Apply now! At Kensington & Hale LLP, you won't just assist, you'll rescue. The partners might bring the fire, but you're the one with the extinguisher. Capes not included, but heroism is assumed.
(Seriously, apply. Our last assistant spontaneously combusted during a Zoom hearing. There were witnesses.)
Recruiters: Your job post, our LOLz touch. We'll make best legal talent laugh and apply. Let's confer
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P.S. This newsletter is 100% billable if you read it on the clock. Just saying.
