ABA or Bust: Texas and Florida Threaten to Unleash TikTok JDs!
Hold onto your gavels, counselors. Texas and Florida are flirting with legal anarchy, mulling over ditching the ABA's law school accreditation requirement like it's last season's CLE credits.
The Association of American Law Schools is clutching its pearls, warning we'll spiral back to the 1800s, when "lawyers" were just guys with big hats and bigger egos.
Get ready for a bar exam free-for-all wilder than a 3L karaoke night. Picture this: no ABA oversight means any Zoom U with a "JD" sticker can churn out attorneys faster than a Starbucks pumps out oat milk lattes.
Imagine a future where:
Florida's Supreme Court is side-eyeing the ABA's diversity rules and "political antics," while Texas is just… Texas, asking for public comment like it's crowdsourcing a BBQ recipe.
The AALS is screaming, "National standards save us from quacks!" But let's be real, we've all met that one Esq. who'd fail a CAPTCHA test.
If this goes through, expect law firms to start hiring influencers who passed "Torts by TikTok." Discovery? Just DMs and vibes. Closing arguments? A PowerPoint with Comic Sans and a dancing baby GIF.
The ABA's begging to keep its grip, but if Texas and Florida bolt, it's game on. Think Mad Max but with worse suits and more billable hours.
Buckle up, this rodeo's about to get hornier than a law school mixer. Fiat legum vibes!
POTUS to America: "Get Wet, Stay Wet."
In a historic pivot from geopolitics to geopressure, President Trump has declared war on... gentle showers. The White House just dropped a 2025 executive order aimed at restoring "strong, manly, Constitution-grade water pressure" in every American bathroom.
Key provisions include:
Meanwhile, plumbing attorneys are scrambling. One firm issued a 37-page memo titled "Shall Not Be Infringed: Water Flow and the Second Amendment."
America's showers just went from spa to splash zone. Make America's showers great again!
SCOTUS Watch: Spring 2025 Edition
As rulings roll out and arguments wrap up, the Supreme Court is busy reshaping the legal terrain, one headline at a time. From DIY firearms to ID-checks for adult sites, here's where the Court stands on some of the most talked-about cases.
Ghost Guns: SCOTUS Assembles a Ruling
What's Happening: In March, the Court upheld federal rules requiring serial numbers and background checks for untraceable, DIY firearms kits. The decision gives the ATF full authority to regulate "ghost guns" like any other firearm.
Our Take: When your DIY project goes from IKEA furniture to untraceable firearms, it's probably time for some legal oversight.
Why It Matters: Home workshops now require more than just a toolbelt, maybe a background check too.
Age Checks for Adult Content: Awaiting a Final Ruling
What's Happening: After hearing arguments in January, SCOTUS is weighing a Texas law that demands government ID to access porn sites. Critics call it a privacy nightmare; supporters say it protects minors.
Our Take: Because nothing says 'privacy' like sending your driver's license to a website named after your favorite indulgence.
Why It Matters: Depending on the ruling, your late-night browsing might soon require more paperwork than a mortgage.
Abortion Access: Pills Protected, Travel Still in Play
What's Happening: In a 2024 ruling, the Court preserved access to abortion pills, at least for now. Meanwhile, new laws targeting travel across state lines for abortion are still winding through the courts, with no SCOTUS ruling yet.
Our Take: Just when you thought the map was for road trips, now it's for navigating the legal maze of reproductive rights.
Why It Matters: Individuals seeking reproductive healthcare may need to consult both their GPS and a legal advisor.
Forum Shopping: Legal Strategy Under Review
What's Happening: SCOTUS heard arguments in January on whether companies can keep filing lawsuits in courts with a "home-field advantage." A decision is pending.
Our Take: When choosing a courtroom becomes as strategic as picking a fantasy football lineup, perhaps it's time for some judicial reform.
Why It Matters: Corporate legal teams might soon need a new map. And maybe a new zip code.
Welcome to our Monthly Celebrity Roast where legal meets lethal (but in a fun, defamation-free way). Every month, we serve up satire, not subpoenas, poking gentle fun at a legal or regulatory figure who's recently made headlines, for better or (usually) worse.
Most recently, we roasted Rudy Giuliani and Tom Goldstein. This time? You get to vote on the next legal luminary to face the flames.
Check out the contenders below and cast your vote. We'll bring the jokes. You bring the marshmallows.
Nominee #1: Hunter Biden's Legal Team (With a high-profile gun charge conviction and appeals inbound, the former First Son's lawyers are working harder than a BigLaw associate on bonus day. Missteps? Check. Media circus? Check. Roast potential? Oh yes.) VOTE
Nominee #2: Alex Spiro (Elon Musk's go-to litigator. The man defends billionaires like it's a full-time sport. Twitter chaos, shareholder lawsuits, SEC beefs… and somehow he still finds time to threaten journalists. A roast feels almost like a wellness check.) VOTE
Nominee #3: David Macey (Miami's defense attorney turned... data-mining enthusiast? Forget subpoenas. Macey allegedly just paid DEA agents for the inside scoop. The only thing messier than this indictment is Miami's bar tab.) VOTE
We'll count your clicks to pick who goes on the spit next. Because justice is blind, but Legal LOLz always sees the funny.
Episode 10: "Tax Tangle Takedown"
Setting: NYC, 2030. Goldstein, Patel & McCormick LLP, where the AI files the taxes, but humans still dodge the audits.
Main Characters:
Plot:
It's 9:15am. Oscar's halfway through his sesame bagel when Bruno buzzes like a malfunctioning Roomba:
"Urgent: Client 'MegaCorp' faces a $50M tax penalty. IRS claims they deducted an entire yacht as a 'business expense.' Audit in 48 hours."
Oscar chokes. "A yacht? What's their business? Piracy?"
Bruno: "No. Blockchain NFTs of pirate-themed yoga retreats."
Lisa storms in, her glare hotter than a tax season all-nighter. "Oscar, Bruno, fix this or we're all doing pro bono for the IRS until 2040. And I hate audits."
Enter Priya Sharma, tax attorney extraordinaire, sipping a chai latte and radiating the calm of someone who's never missed a Form 1120 deadline. "I've got this," she says, flipping open her laptop. Oscar mutters, "She's too chill. I don't trust it." Bruno: "Her success rate is 98.3%. I trust her more than your bagel consumption."
Cue chaos: Oscar accidentally emails the client's yacht party pics to the IRS agent, captioned "#TaxWriteOffVibes." Bruno tries to help by citing a 1923 tax code section, in binary. The IRS agent, a humorless android named TaxBot 3000, flags the firm for "suspicious human error." Lisa's one step from firing everyone when Priya steps in.
With the finesse of a tax ninja, Priya:
Closing Scene:
The IRS backs off, MegaCorp throws a (tax-deductible) party, and Lisa crowns Priya "Tax Queen of the Century."
Oscar toasts her with his now-cold coffee. "You're a wizard, Priya."
Bruno hums: "Tax attorneys: 99.9% more effective than my binary citations."
Priya smirks, "Stick with me, boys. Next up: I'm auditing Bruno's emotional circuits."
Sasha chuckles, already booking Priya's victory spa day.
End Scene.
JOB ALERT: Kensington & Hale LLP - Tax Attorney (Dallas): Where "Creative Accounting" is our love language
Yeehaw, tax slingers! Kensington & Hale LLP's Dallas office is on the hunt for a Tax Attorney who can wrangle audits faster than a jackrabbit on a hot tin roof. Can you navigate tax shelters with the grace of a seasoned spelunker, and explain "basis shifting" to a confused billionaire without him calling you a communist?
If you can sweet-talk the IRS into submission, convince a client their $3M "business jet" is a write-off, and still two-step at Billy Bob's by sundown, we need you. Bonus points if you've ever deducted a ten-gallon hat as "protective gear."
Position: Tax Attorney – IRS Tamer & Loophole Wrangler Unit
Location: Dallas, TX (where the steaks are big, but the tax penalties are bigger)
Compensation: Fatter than a prize-winning steer, plus a "savings bonus" for every million you claw back from the taxman.
Hours: 9–5 on the books, but you'll be dreaming of Form 1099s by Friday.
Responsibilities:
Perks:
Must-haves:
Bonus points if you:
Apply now!
Join Kensington & Hale LLP in Dallas and help us make tax season fun again. Or at least survivable.
Because in Texas, death and taxes may be inevitable. But the fines are optional if you lawyer hard enough.
(Serious applicants only. Our last "creative tax hire" tried to write off three ex-spouses and a Tesla as "job-related stress mitigation." Seriously, apply)
Recruiters: Your job post, our LOLz touch. Let's confer We ghost less than your candidates. Promise.
Quinn Emanuel Now Offering $175K Federal Clerkship Bonuses
Also offering a $25K bonus bonus if you did two clerkships. Is it a signing bonus or hush money? We don't ask questions here. Other firms throwing down six figures too. Cravath, Munger, Boies, Susman. At this point, if your resume doesn't say "Clerk," it better say "Royalty."
Latham & Watkins Kicks OCI to the Curb
Yep, they've officially ghosted on-campus interviews. Students now told to "just apply online," like they're begging for a job at Urban Outfitters. OCI: once a rite of passage, now a group chat joke. Offerless Cycle of Insanity.
Lewis Brisbois Can't Seem to Hit 'Send' on Raises or Bonuses
Promised raises in February. Delayed 'til March. Then oops, not in your March check either. Now allegedly coming April 15. (No promises. We've seen this movie before.) "Best of luck," said one insider. That's the firm's new HR motto.
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