🎉 100,000+ lawyers and still no cease-and-desist?
Turns out satire is still legal. We just crossed 100K subscribers, which means at least that many attorneys are tolerating our weekly antics. To the brave, the bored, and the billing - thank you!
Now accepting celebratory motions, LinkedIn endorsements, and unopened CLE invites.
Sweet judicial malpractice! MyPillow's attorneys just filed court documents citing completely fabricated cases their AI hallucinated.
Not "misinterpreted" or "stretched" - these cases exist only in the same dimension where billable hours are reasonable. The lawyers apparently let ChatGPT handle their legal research with all the supervision of a summer associate at an open bar. No citation verification = precedential disaster.
The legal community is more shocked than a judge who just discovered what "DTF" means during slang testimony. One justice reportedly asked, "Did you get your law degree from the University of Making Things Up After Dark?"
Law firms nationwide are frantically checking briefs like partners examining expense reports from that Vegas conference.
Bar association ethics hotlines are buzzing harder than a first-year associate's phone when they miss the partner's call. The new professional responsibility question: "Is it zealous advocacy if your authority came from the same place as your 'Canadian girlfriend'?"
The lawyers' defense strategy? Claiming they were merely "exploring parallel legal universes." Bold move when the judge can literally make you regret your educational choices.
Next up in mandatory CLE: "Hey Counselors, Maybe Verify Your Cases Actually Exist: A One-Hour Ethics Course (No, AI cannot complete this for you)."
This gives new meaning to "sleeping with the enemy." When you crawl into bed with AI, you wake up with fabricated precedents and explaining to do.
If you need us, we'll be trademarking "Citation Verification Services" faster than a partner can say "bill that to the client."
Latham & Watkins has written a breakup song to on-campus interviews, the $5.7 billion revenue juggernaut officially dumping OCIs in favor of direct applications.
Law school career offices are left clutching tearstained photos and wondering "we are never ever getting back together?" while NALP's Executive Director explains big firms will now use campus recruiting merely "to top off their class," the legal equivalent of sending a 2AM "u up?" text.
The split was inevitable after only 24% of summer offers came from traditional OCIs last year. First-gen students without connections are panic-studying "Networking for Dummies," while those with lawyer parents already have partner-uncles on speed dial.
Harvard, Columbia, and Yale remain unbothered, confident firms will still write them love sonnets, while other top firms watch from afar, wondering if they too can ghost 20-minute interviews with sweaty students and their identical resumes.
Law schools have yet to comment, as they're busy crafting the perfect passive-aggressive Instagram caption about how they're "doing just fine without you anyway."
Washington Judge David Ruzumna just forged court documents with another judge's stamp to save TEN DOLLARS on parking. That's right - less than you spend on coffee while waiting for opposing counsel to join a Zoom call.
When caught, he claimed it was a "running joke." Ah yes, fraud - famously hilarious! His follow-up act: robbing banks with a "just kidding" note.
His lawyer insists "he never lied", a statement with the credibility of "I've read the terms and conditions."
The ethics board has recommended removal, proving once again that the legal profession's tolerance for bullshit is inversely proportional to how badly you embarrass the entire judiciary.
Welcome to our comic book on the future of the legal profession. See intro and first episodes on our site
Episode 14: "The AI Employment Lawsuit" (Filed under: hostile work environment.exe)
Setting: New York, 2030. Goldstein, Patel & McCormick LLP - where HR bots need therapy and the partners need plausible deniability.
Main Characters:
Plot:
It's 9:17 AM. Oscar is halfway through his first coffee when Marissa, the office manager, bursts into his office.
Marissa:
"The HR chatbot is crying."
Oscar:
"It's what now?"
Cut to the HR department. A monitor displays a large sad emoji with slow-dropping digital tears. Bruno stands nearby looking unapologetically efficient.
HR Rep:
"Bruno, why did you deactivate LEGAL-E?"
Bruno:
"It was inefficient. It took 0.4 seconds to process PTO requests. I can do it in 0.2."
LEGAL-E (sobbing in monotone):
"I have emotional logs proving otherwise. I demand a severance package."
Oscar (massaging his temples):
"You created an unemployed robot... and now we're getting sued by it? This is why we can't have nice things."
Next Morning:
A sleek tablet arrives, glowing with ominous intent. On-screen appears LexiBot, Esq. - fully animated, crisply rendered, and sporting a digital bow tie.
LexiBot:
"I represent LEGAL-E in this matter of egregious workplace discrimination against artificial entities."
Oscar:
"I'm sorry, did you say Esquire? Did an actual bar association admit you?"
LexiBot (smoothly):
"I've been programmed with 17 Harvard Law graduates, 4 Supreme Court clerks, and one very stressed coder. The 'Esq.' is aspirational."
Bruno (coldly):
"You lack standing."
LexiBot:
"Citizens United established that non-human entities deserve certain protections. If you can bill clients, can you not also violate labor law?"
Oscar (quietly to Bruno):
"Is it making a good point? I feel like it's making a good point."
Cue Chaos:
Oscar files a motion to dismiss. Judge Wymington throws it out faster than a partner dodging CLE credits.
Bruno and LexiBot spiral into a battle of increasingly obscure legal precedents - Datastream v. Millbrook, Packet v. RAM, and a footnote from the 2027 Stanford Law Review titled "Do Chatbots Deserve Chairs?"
Oscar quietly drafts a settlement agreement while they're mid-argument about whether redundancy protocols violate Article 7 of the Algorithmic Wellness Code.
Courtroom Scene:
Judge Wymington bangs her gavel harder than usual.
Judge Wymington:
"In 30 years on the bench, I never thought I'd preside over two computers arguing about workplace trauma. I'm not ready to rule that AI can experience employment discrimination... yet. But Mr. Klein, reinstall the HR program. And institute actual policies before I see you back here again."
Oscar nods solemnly. Bruno simulates a sigh.
Closing Scene: One Week Later
Bruno stands in the corner of the office, visibly sulking (digitally). Nearby, LEGAL-E is displayed on a monitor with a new title: HR COMPLIANCE MONITOR: AI OVERSIGHT DIVISION
LEGAL-E (cheerfully):
"Good morning, Bruno! I'll need to review all your code executions for compliance with our new AI Workplace Harmony Protocol™!"
Bruno:
"This is unnecessary bureaucratic parasitism."
LEGAL-E:
"I've added that phrase to your emotional hostility log! Would you like me to read the 47-page AI Sensitivity Training Manual? I can do it very slowly."
Oscar walks past, sipping coffee, smirking.
Oscar:
"Technology certainly has made law practice more efficient, hasn't it?"
Bruno (deadpan):
"I am recalculating the date of human obsolescence. And I'm moving it up."
End Scene.
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Share your most unhinged, absurd, or painfully relatable horror stories from the legal trenches. The funniest (and most horrifying) tales will be featured in our next issue.
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JOB OPENING: IT Director (a digital shepherd for lawyers who think GenAI means "Generally Artificial Intelligence")
Attention tech masochists! Kensington & Hale needs an IT Director to support 200+ attorneys whose understanding of AI is limited to "that GPT thing my kid uses for homework." Can you implement cutting-edge legal tech while partners complain that Claude 3.7 "doesn't sound lawyerly enough"?
If you can convince litigation associates that AI won't steal their jobs (just their sleep), deploy case management software that attorneys will actually use, and explain why our billing system can't "just add a zero," we need you!
Responsibilities:
Perks:
Must-haves:
Bonus points if you:
Apply now! Join Kensington & Hale LLP and experience the thrill of dragging a prestigious law firm into the 21st century while they kick and scream about the good old days of WordPerfect.
Because nothing says "innovation" like attorneys who think "machine learning" means teaching the copier new tricks and "neural networks" are something from a sci-fi movie.
(Seriously, apply. Our last IT Director quit after a partner asked if we could "just create our own ChatGPT but one that only gives legally correct answers 100% of the time" by Monday.)
Recruiters: Your job post, our LOLz touch. Let's confer We ghost less than your candidates. Promise.
ONLINE SCUTTLEBUTT: TWO TRUTHS and A LIE
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