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THE GREAT BIGLAW RETURN-TO-OFFICE EXODUS

When Partners Discover That "Mentoring" Requires Actual Human Presence

BigLaw firms are having a collective meltdown trying to drag their lawyers back to the office, and the results are about as predictable as a first-year associate's meltdown during document review. Spoiler alert: it's not going well.

THE OFFICE MANDATE PARADE

Hogan Lovells just joined the growing list of firms demanding attorneys work from the office four days a week starting in September. Their reasoning? They want to foster "energy, innovation, and connection that comes from working together."

Translation: "We spent millions on office space and these empty cubicles are making our real estate investment look stupid."

The firm's managing partner waxed poetic about "organic and spontaneous idea sharing" and "reinforcing the culture that sets us apart." Apparently, that culture can only be properly reinforced while sitting in an overpriced downtown office building, breathing recycled air and listening to Kevin from Securities practice his closing arguments in the break room.

Hogan Lovells now joins an impressive roster of firms playing "Follow the Leader" back to the office: Davis Polk, Latham, Paul Weiss, Ropes & Gray, Simpson Thacher, Skadden, and about a dozen others. Sullivan & Cromwell went full nuclear and mandated five days in the office because apparently four days of forced togetherness wasn't quite soul-crushing enough.

THE GREAT ASSOCIATE ESCAPE

Meanwhile, Bloomberg Law just dropped some brutal data that explains why partners are so desperate to get everyone back in the office: lawyers hired during the work-from-home era are fleeing BigLaw faster than associates during bonus season.

The Numbers Don't Lie:

• Only 1 in 5 associates stay at the same firm for five years (down from 1 in 4 pre-pandemic)
• It's basically a coin flip whether an associate will last three years (47% bail by then)
• 71% of associates who left firms last year were hired during the virtual work era

That's right - most of the lawyers hired in 2020-2021 are already gone. These firms invested millions in recruiting, signing bonuses, and training, only to watch their investment walk out the door faster than you can say "work-life balance."

THE MENTORING MYTH

Here's where it gets really good. Firms are claiming they need everyone back in the office for "professional development" and "mentoring." Let's be honest about what BigLaw mentoring actually looked like pre-pandemic:

Before COVID: Senior associates occasionally explaining why the brief you spent 80 hours on needs to be completely rewritten, usually at 11 PM on a Friday.

During COVID: The same thing, but over Zoom.

Now: Partners acting like proximity is the secret ingredient to career development, as if wisdom transfers through office air conditioning systems.

THE REAL PROBLEM

The dirty secret nobody wants to admit: firms are panicking because they're losing control. For decades, BigLaw operated on a simple principle - trap lawyers in expensive offices, normalize 80-hour weeks, and convince them this is "professional development."

Remote work broke that model. Associates discovered they could be just as miserable from home, but at least they could wear sweatpants and see their families occasionally. Some even realized they could do their jobs effectively without performing "dedication theater" by staying late just to be seen.

THE FLEXIBILITY THEATER

To soften the blow, firms are offering "flexibility" - a few remote weeks during holidays and allowances for "compelling needs." It's like offering a drowning person a life preserver with holes in it and calling it innovation.

Hogan Lovells graciously carved out remote time for the week of Thanksgiving and the end of December. How generous! You can work from home during the weeks when nobody wants to be working anyway.

THE PRODUCTIVITY PARADOX

The Bloomberg article mentions that firms struggled with "lagging productivity" and "historic lows" for billable hours in 2022-2023. Here's a radical thought: maybe the problem isn't where people work, but how much work there actually is.

When demand for legal services dropped, firms didn't adjust their bloated staffing levels. Instead, they blamed remote work for their utilization problems. Now that demand has recovered, productivity magically improved. Weird how that works!

THE GENERATIONAL DIVIDE

There's a fundamental disconnect between partners who built their careers on face-time culture and associates who proved they could be productive without it. Partners see empty offices and assume nobody's working. Associates see office mandates and assume their bosses don't trust them.

Both sides are probably right.

THE INEVITABLE OUTCOME

Here's what's really going to happen: firms will drag everyone back to the office, lose another wave of associates who refuse to play along, and then act surprised when their recruitment and retention problems get worse.

The associates who stay will be either too junior to leave or too specialized to go elsewhere. The good ones will jump to firms with better flexibility or leave BigLaw entirely. Partners will blame "changing work ethic" instead of admitting their management style is stuck in 1995.

THE BOTTOM LINE

BigLaw spent decades convincing lawyers that grinding yourself into dust was noble and necessary. The pandemic accidentally proved that much of that grinding was performative bullshit. Now firms are desperately trying to stuff that genie back in the bottle.

Good luck with that. You've already lost 71% of your pandemic hires. How many more are you willing to sacrifice to preserve the illusion that great lawyering requires physical proximity to your corner office?

The legal industry is about to learn a expensive lesson: you can mandate presence, but you can't mandate engagement. And associates who learned they could be effective remotely aren't going to forget that lesson just because you bought new office furniture.

Legal LOLz Editorial Board
"If your firm's culture can only survive when everyone's physically trapped together, you might not have a culture worth preserving."

NON COMMENTUS

CAREER OPPORTUNITY

JOB ALERT: Kensington & Hale LLP - Litigation Associate (because somebody has to actually show up to the office)

Are you a J.D. with a masochistic streak and an inexplicable desire to bill 2,800 hours while pretending you love "collaborative energy"? Do you thrive in a soul-crushing environment where partners mistake physical presence for productivity and think mentoring happens through office osmosis? Kensington & Hale's Manhattan office needs you!

Position: Litigation Associate – Document Review & Existential Crisis Division

Location: Midtown Manhattan, NY (where even the pigeons are stressed about billable hours)

Compensation: $245,000 starting salary* (*before taxes, student loans, therapy, and the inevitable stress-related medical bills)

Hours: 4 days mandatory in-office, plus weekends, holidays, and whenever a partner has an "urgent" thought at 11 PM

Office Policy: We've joined the enlightened ranks of firms demanding your physical presence because apparently legal brilliance can only occur within our overpriced commercial real estate. Remote work is for quitters and people who think "work-life balance" is a real thing.

PERKS:

• "Collaborative Energy" (watch senior associates have nervous breakdowns in real-time!)
• "Organic Idea Sharing" (overhear partners complaining about their yacht maintenance costs)
• "Enhanced Professional Development" (learn to cry silently in supply closets)
• "Face-to-Face Mentoring" (get screamed at in person instead of over Zoom)
• "Office Camaraderie" (bond with fellow associates over shared trauma and Red Bull addiction)
• "Premium Office Space" (enjoy our open-concept hell where privacy goes to die)
• "Networking Opportunities" (make awkward small talk with people who bill more per hour than you make per week)

REQUIREMENTS:

• J.D. from Top 14 Law School (T3 preferred, because we're snobs and Harvey Specter went to Harvard)
• Superior Legal Writing Skills (must be able to draft briefs that make losing look like a strategic victory)
• Ability to Work Under Pressure (can function on 3 hours of sleep and pure spite)
• Document Review Expertise (capable of reading 50,000 emails about office birthday parties looking for smoking guns)
• Photographic Memory (for remembering which partner likes their coffee how, and which ones throw staplers)
• Time Management Skills (can bill 14 hours while only working 12, because math is flexible in BigLaw)
• Thick Skin (essential for surviving partner tantrums and associate exodus)
• Basic Geography Knowledge (must understand that being "in-office" means physically present, not just logged into the VPN from your apartment)
• Stockholm Syndrome Tendencies (ability to defend firm policies that make no logical sense)
• Supreme Court Clerkship (just kidding, we'll take anyone with a pulse and a bar card at this point)

IDEAL CANDIDATE:

• Believes that suffering builds character
• Enjoys paying $4,000/month for a studio apartment just to be closer to work
• Thinks "mentoring" requires physical proximity (like legal knowledge is transmitted through shared elevator rides)
• Comfortable working for partners who learned management techniques from watching Suits reruns
• Has never heard of quiet quitting (or regular quitting)
• Willing to sacrifice personal relationships for the privilege of working 80-hour weeks in person
• Enjoys the sound of printers at 2 AM and the smell of desperation in conference rooms

WHAT WE OFFER:

Professional Growth: Learn valuable skills like advanced Excel formulas, coffee ordering, and how to look busy when partners walk by

Mentorship: Watch senior associates question their life choices in real-time

Work-Life Integration: Because "balance" is for people who don't understand that law is life and life is law

Cutting-Edge Technology: We have the latest computers from 2019 and a printer that works 60% of the time

Team Building: Mandatory fun activities like firm retreats where everyone pretends to enjoy trust falls

Career Advancement: Clear path from stressed associate to stressed senior associate to stressed counsel

BONUS POINTS IF YOU:

• Can name all characters from Suits and understand why Mike Ross is both inspiring and legally problematic
• Have experience explaining to friends why you can't attend their weddings (hint: it's always because of work)
• Can draft a motion to compel in your sleep
• Believe that "crushing it" means working harder, not smarter
• Think Louis Litt is a realistic portrayal of partnership material
• Have mastered the art of looking engaged during 3-hour meetings about nothing

[Check out this POPCORN JURISDICTION issue for a Legal LOLz exclusive recap of Suits.]

Apply now! Join Kensington & Hale's Litigation Team and help corporate America solve disputes while slowly losing your will to live! Because in BigLaw, happiness is temporary, but billable hours are eternal.

We're like Pearson Hardman, but with more micromanagement and less Harvey Specter charm.

(Seriously, apply. Half our litigation team just quit after we announced the 4-day office mandate, and the remaining associates are googling "in-house counsel jobs" during partner meetings.)

Equal Opportunity Employer* (*We discriminate equally against all associates regardless of race, gender, or sleep schedule)

Contact: Apply (emails sent after 10 PM will be responded to within 5 minutes because we never sleep)

Reference Code: HELP-US-PLEASE-2025

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