Your weekly dose of legal absurdity, courtroom chaos, and mandatory fun, now with extra billable hours. Let's get into it. ⚖️😂
What's Happening: A Seattle judge green-lit a nationwide class action against Amazon, claiming Alexa secretly recorded and stored private conversations without proper disclosure. Millions of users are now seeking damages and an injunction to delete the alleged audio troves.
Our Take: "Alexa, play 'Who Let the Court-Invasion In?'" Privacy breaches are so passé, Amazon's making them features.
Why It Matters: Tech firms, data-privacy officers, and consumer lawyers: prepare for a tidal wave of microphone mistrust.
What's Happening: Southwest Airlines filed a federal lawsuit accusing top generic drugmakers (Teva, Sandoz, and more) of conspiring to inflate medication prices paid by the airline's self-insured workforce.
Our Take: "Price fixing? They must've thought airline employees don't need therapy, or aspirin."
Why It Matters: Corporate counsel, antitrust lawyers, and healthcare clients: watch for expanding employer-led cartel suits and potential billion-dollar outcomes.
What's Happening: Opendoor agreed to a $39 million settlement in a securities class action, accused of misleading investors about the sophistication of its home-pricing algorithms.
Our Take: "Next-gen AI home valuers? Or next-gen legal fees?"
Why It Matters: Fintech leaders, real estate counsel, and investor-relations teams: AI claims need airtight backing, or a courtroom backup plan.
What's Happening: A judge granted preliminary approval to a $177 million settlement resolving lawsuits over AT&T's 2024 data breach that exposed millions of customer records.
Our Take: "Your data's safe now. Just send us your payout claim, and we'll maybe not breach again."
Why It Matters: Telecom, cybersecurity, and class-action lawyers: breach settlements are big business. Prepare templates accordingly.
Welcome to our Monthly Celebrity Roast where legal meets lethal (but in a fun, defamation-free way). Every month, we serve up satire, not subpoenas, poking gentle fun at a legal or regulatory figure who's recently made headlines, for better or (usually) worse.
Most recently, we roasted Spencer Sheehan and Alex Spiro. This time? You get to vote on the next legal luminary to face the flames.
Check out the contenders below and cast your vote. We'll bring the jokes. You bring the marshmallows.
Nominee #1: Alina Habba (The "MAGA Media Maven" who became a household name representing Trump in various civil cases while simultaneously launching a media career. Between court appearances where judges questioned her legal arguments and her Fox News commentary gigs, she's managed to turn litigation into performance art. When your legal briefs get as much attention as your TV appearances, you might be roast-worthy.) VOTE
Nominee #2: Citadel's Legal Team (The "Non-Compete Ghostwriters" who literally sat in Florida legislative meetings to help draft the CHOICE Act, a draconian non-compete law that can trap high earners for four years. These legal innovators didn't just lobby for Ken Griffin's interests, they personally wrote the legislation. When your billable hours include "co-authoring state employment law to economically imprison our client's workforce," you've transcended traditional legal practice into pure corporate feudalism. See full coverage in our Legal LOLz Unfiltered post.) VOTE
Nominee #3: Oakland Airport's Legal Team (The "Trademark Truther Brigade" who convinced their client that slapping "San Francisco" on Oakland's airport name wouldn't violate SFO's 70-year-old federal trademark. After getting slapped with a preliminary injunction, these legal visionaries doubled down with a countersuit arguing "nobody owns geography!" When your defense strategy involves explaining basic trademark law to a federal judge who clearly understands it better than you do, you've earned roast immortality. See full coverage in our Legal LOLz Unfiltered post.) VOTE
Nominee #4: The Eighth Circuit's "Procedural Purity" Panel (The "Technicality Triumvirate" who killed the FTC's Click to Cancel rule six days before implementation because the agency filed the wrong paperwork first. These judicial heroes admitted subscription companies use "unfair and deceptive practices" but decided procedural purity matters more than protecting consumers from cancellation hell. When your legal reasoning boils down to "you should have filed Form A before Form B," you've achieved peak administrative law pedantry. See full coverage in our Legal LOLz Unfiltered post.) VOTE
We'll count your clicks to pick who goes on the spit next. Because justice is blind, but Legal LOLz always sees the funny.
Unfiltered tales, gripes, groans, and gallows humor from attorney chat rooms
Partnership Promotion Parity Wars: Multiple BigLaw firms achieved 50:50 gender splits. White & Case promoted 37 new partners globally, Hogan Lovells promoted 28, with unprecedented gender parity. The announcements sparked heated LinkedIn debates about merit versus diversity in partnership decisions, with thousands of comments on firm announcement posts.
Pay Transparency Law Chaos: Another hot topic across LinkedIn and Facebook legal groups, the simultaneous rollout of pay transparency laws across multiple states created compliance nightmares and heated debates about law firm compensation disclosure requirements, driving extensive professional discussion about hiring practices and salary structures.
Law Firm Musical Chairs: The legal forums on Reddit are abuzz with gossip about attorneys jumping ship, particularly at Paul Weiss, where former U.S. Attorney Damian Williams' move to Jenner & Block has tongues wagging. Some posters suggest this is just the tip of the iceberg, with associates reportedly eyeing the exits. The chatter paints a picture of a firm in flux, with some joking it's less a law firm and more a revolving door.
AI: The Courtroom Clown: Lawyers are cracking up over AI tools that promise efficiency but deliver comedy. From motions citing century-old cases to AI billing for "emotional support," these tech fails are the talk of Fishbowl forums. The consensus? AI might be a research tool, but it's not ready to replace human lawyers, unless the goal is a good laugh.
Mandatory Fun, Maximum Pain: Firm-organized team-building events, like escape rooms and wine tastings, are getting roasted online. Lawyers are venting about awkward bonding attempts that feel more like punishment than perks. Posts highlight the irony of professionals who argue for a living failing to connect over forced fun, with some wishing they could bill for enduring it.
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P.S. This newsletter is 100% billable if you read it on the clock. Just saying.