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Motion to Pretend: A BigLaw Partner's Crypto Primer
Blockchain basics for lawyers who still print emails
FILED UNDER: Professional Development (or professional pretense)
WHEREAS, your biggest client just asked about "tokenizing their IP portfolio" and you confidently responded "absolutely, let me circle back on that";
AND WHEREAS, you've been nodding knowingly through three months of "Web3 strategy sessions" while internally screaming;
BE IT RESOLVED that this emergency crash course shall render you sufficiently dangerous at cocktail parties and client dinners.
Blockchain = A digital ledger that's "immutable" (lawyer translation: harder to alter than a filed brief, easier to lose than your laptop)
Smart Contract = Code that executes automatically (like your billing software, but with more existential dread)
NFT = Non-Fungible Token (legal translation: expensive digital receipt for a JPEG you don't actually own)
DeFi = Decentralized Finance (translation: traditional banking, but with more steps and cryptocurrency Twitter drama)
HODL = Hold On for Dear Life (emotional state: familiar to anyone who's ever waited for partnership decisions)
When they say: "We want to explore blockchain applications" You say: "Let's first assess the regulatory landscape and compliance framework" What you mean: Please give me 6-8 weeks to figure out what you're talking about
When they say: "Should we mint NFTs?" You say: "Fascinating IP implication. Let me research the precedential guidance" What you mean: I will now spend my weekend googling "monkey pictures million dollars why"
When they say: "We're considering a DAO structure" You say: "The governance and liability considerations are complex" What you mean: I'm 67% sure DAO isn't a typo
(Pro tip: These work for literally any crypto conversation)
"This is fascinating, but given the evolving regulatory framework, I'd recommend we bring in our specialized digital assets team for a deeper dive."
(Translation: I'm passing this to someone who knows what Ethereum is)
MOTION FOR SUMMARY JUDGMENT: You are now equipped to survive exactly one crypto conversation before retreating to familiar territory like merger agreements and regulatory compliance - you know, simple stuff.
COURT'S RULING: Motion granted. You may now confidently schedule that "blockchain exploratory meeting" while frantically googling "what is a satoshi" under your desk.
Remember: In crypto, as in BigLaw, confidence is 90% of the battle. The other 10% is billable hours.
Filed by: Walter, Editor-in-Law (Licensed to practice sarcasm in all 50 states)
If this saved you from professional embarrassment, forward to 3 colleagues who also print their emails. They need this too.
BETTER CALL SAUL: Where Ethics Are Optional and Desert Burials Are Just Part of Client Relations
Attention all attorneys who've ever been tempted to film a commercial in a bingo hall or store a cell phone in your office ceiling!
Looking for career inspiration that combines elder law, burner phones, and desert negotiations with cartel members? Welcome to "Better Call Saul," the show that suggests the path from public defender to successful attorney involves a name change, a mail room stint, and occasional light money laundering. Let us examine this heartwarming tale of one man's journey from con artist to criminal lawyer (emphasis on "criminal").
Meet Jimmy McGill, a former scam artist turned lawyer desperately trying to go straight while living in the shadow of his brilliant but mentally ill brother. Working out of the back room of a nail salon, Jimmy struggles to build a legitimate practice while fighting the magnetic pull of his con-man instincts. The catch? We already know from "Breaking Bad" that he eventually becomes Saul Goodman, stripmail attorney extraordinaire with a office decor theme of "Constitution meets Las Vegas." It's like watching the Titanic sail toward the iceberg, if the Titanic were wearing loud ties and representing drug dealers.
Jimmy McGill/Saul Goodman: The fast-talking hustler whose legal strategy consists of 40% creative interpretation of the law, 50% elaborate cons, and 10% actual jurisprudence. Has more personas than a Broadway character actor and business cards printed on more colors than a rainbow. Jimmy doesn't just practice law, he BENDS law.
Kim Wexler: The ponytailed paragon of legal competence who somehow finds Jimmy's moral flexibility attractive. Oscillates between being the show's moral compass and facilitating increasingly questionable schemes. Spends six seasons making viewers wonder "How does she end up completely absent from Breaking Bad?" with mounting dread.
Chuck McGill: Jimmy's brother and the human embodiment of legal snobbery wrapped in space blankets. A brilliant attorney allergic to electricity and his brother's success in equal measure. Has memorized more statutes than most Supreme Court justices but can't operate a toaster.
Howard Hamlin: The golden-haired Ken doll of Albuquerque law whose pastel suits hide a surprisingly complex character. Looks like he was manufactured in a lab where they make perfect country club members. Gets punished more severely for being annoying than others do for literal murder.
Mike Ehrmantraut: The ex-cop turned fixer who turns parking attendant duties into an art form of exactitude. Communicates almost exclusively in meaningful stares and gruff one-liners. Could probably dismantle your entire life with just a pimento sandwich and an afternoon to spare.
What "Better Call Saul" gets right about practicing law:
The Show: "I'll stage an elaborate scenario involving fake photos, actors posing as clients, and doctored evidence!"
Reality: "The Bar Association would like a word. Actually, several words, all of them involving the phrase 'permanent disbarment.'"
Better Call Saul is a masterclass in slow-burn character deterioration with enough legal trappings to make you question your own ethical boundaries. It's The Godfather for the JD crowd, but with more desert panoramas and fewer horse heads. For US attorneys, it's a reminder: your career may be frustrating, but at least you're not one bad day away from representing methamphetamine manufacturers... or are you?
Pro Tip: Next time you're drafting a will, channel Jimmy's elder law enthusiasm, but maybe skip the bingo calling and bus recruitment tactics. And if you're feeling tempted by Kim's "finger guns as conflict resolution" technique, seek immediate professional help.
Disclaimer #1: Legal LOLz does not endorse tampering with documents, practicing with a suspended license, or having cartel members on speed dial. Two of these things will get you disbarred; one might get you buried in the desert.
Disclaimer #2: Legal LOLz is not responsible for any sudden urges to change your name, purchase loud patterned suits, or end phone calls with "Better Call Saul!" Please consult with a competent therapist if you start identifying with any Salamanca family member. Your professional reputation (and possibly your life) depends on it.
PS: If this analysis hits the spot, check out previously published reviews (Suits, Goliath, Lincoln Lawyer) in our Popcorn Jurisdiction collection.
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