Your weekly dose of legal absurdity, courtroom chaos, and mandatory fun, now with extra billable hours. Let's get into it! ⚖️😂
What's Happening: The GENIUS Act officially became law, demanding stablecoins be backed 1:1 with dollars or safe assets and subject to federal oversight. Companies are scrambling to meet audits and reserve requirements.
Our Take: Who knew digital money needed a trust fund? Welcome to adulthood, cryptocurrencies.
Why It Matters: Crypto firms and fintech lawyers, get your spreadsheets and disclaimers ready. The era of "magic internet money" is ending.
What's Happening: The "de minimis" rule allowing duty-free imports under $800 is history. Starting August 29, everything, even cheap e-commerce orders, will face customs duties or flat fees.
Our Take: That $20 gadget in your cart? Now it costs as much as your soul. E-commerce just got real.
Why It Matters: Retailers, logistics, and customs lawyers, revise those pricing models or prepare for sticker shock.
What's Happening: Under Chair Brendan Carr, the FCC has pivoted from common-sense consumer protections to tackling media bias, national security, and DEI prompting state attorneys general to step up and enforce privacy and robocall rules instead.
Our Take: When regulators drop the ball, states pick it up and run with your compliance strategy back to your desk.
Why It Matters: Telecom firms and compliance pros must juggle both lax federal oversight and rigorous state-level crackdowns.
What's Happening: The Second Circuit vacated a landmark insider-trading conviction involving NFTs, dealing a blow to DOJ authority over crypto misconduct.
Our Take: NFTs - still confusing, highly litigious, and now mysteriously outside wire fraud's reach.
Why It Matters: Crypto platforms and compliance attorneys rejoice, DOJ's toolkit just lost a few tools.
The Things We Actually Do When Nobody's Watching
Alright, it's time for some truth. We've all got those stories - the ones that would make compliance have a nervous breakdown and HR file for early retirement. Anonymous confessions from lawyers who've finally had enough wine to admit what really happens behind closed doors.
Motion to Confess: Granted
Big Law Associate, Corporate M&A
"I once billed 47 hours in a single day. Not a typo. Started a deal memo at 11 PM, worked through the night, then realized I could bill the previous day's research, today's drafting, AND tomorrow's revisions all to the same client code. Partner never questioned it because the client was paying premium rates for 'expedited corporate restructuring.' Made $18,000 in theoretical billable hours while my actual body experienced only 24 hours of existence. Physics is apparently negotiable when you're charging $850/hour."
In-House Counsel, Tech Company
"During a three-hour acquisition call with investment bankers, I kept my camera off and spent the entire time building IKEA furniture. Assembled a complete dining room set while providing 'thoughtful legal analysis' via strategically timed 'mm-hmms' and 'that raises interesting due diligence questions.' The deal closed successfully. My dining room has never looked better. The bankers complimented my 'engaged participation.'"
Contract Attorney, Discovery Hell
"Created a drinking game for document review: shot for every 'attorney-client privilege,' two shots for any email that starts with 'per my last email,' finish your drink for anything mentioning Slack DMs. Made it through 50,000 documents in two weeks. My accuracy rate somehow improved. QC team said my privilege logs were 'unusually creative.' I blame the bourbon for my enhanced legal insight."
Litigation Partner, Personal Injury
"Had an expert witness who kept giving the wrong answers during deposition prep. So I started feeding him answers through interpretive dance behind opposing counsel's back. Scratch nose = yes, adjust tie = no, hair flip = object to the question. We won a $3.2 million verdict. The expert thanked me for my 'intuitive coaching methodology.' I charged the client for 'advanced witness preparation techniques.'"
Family Law Solo, Divorce Specialist
"Client wouldn't stop calling about her custody case - 17 voicemails in one day about her ex-husband's 'threatening' grocery store presence. I faked my own death via paralegal announcement, then 'miraculously recovered' three days later after client found new counsel. Charged her final bill to estate administration. She sent flowers to my funeral. I kept them."
Your law firm's current training program:
"Just shadow Jerry for 6 months. He knows everything. (Unless he's on vacation. Or dead.)"
😬 What could possibly go wrong?
Enter Trainual: the system that turns Jerry's brain (and your firm's random sticky notes, Slack rants, and 12-year-old PDFs) into a clean, organized playbook.
✅ Processes live in one place, not scattered across partner emails
✅ Associates stop asking "Wait, where's that file?" 47 times a day
✅ You finally track who actually finished training (sorry Jerry)
Real talk: Your firm shouldn't run on memory, myth, and Jerry's mood swings.
Start Free TrialSide effects: Associates cry less, partners micromanage less, and Jerry finally takes a real vacation.
Insurance Defense, Personal Injury
"Opposing counsel showed up to deposition obviously hungover. I secretly ordered him coffee with four shots of espresso and Irish cream, claiming it was 'courtesy refreshment.' He became increasingly energetic and started objecting to his own questions. Transcript shows him asking plaintiff 'what were you wearing when gravity attacked you?' Case settled for nuisance value. His performance was Academy Award worthy."
Bankruptcy Attorney, Chapter 11 Specialist
"Judge always denied my motions because he hated electronic filing formatting. So I started filing everything in Comic Sans with legal arguments written as haikus. First motion granted immediately. Judge's clerk said it was 'refreshingly readable.' Now my entire practice is poetry-based legal writing. Clients love it. Other attorneys think I've lost my mind. Winning percentage up 340%."
Employment Law, Class Action
"Convinced entire office that vending machine was surveillance device planted by opposing counsel's firm. Security removed it after I submitted 47-page memo detailing 'snack-based corporate espionage.' Partner commended my 'attention to detail regarding client confidentiality.' Vending machine company settled potential defamation claim for $10,000. Used money for office coffee upgrade. Morale improved significantly."
Criminal Defense, Felony Division
"Always file motions at 4:59 PM on Friday before three-day weekends. Prosecutor's office reads them Tuesday morning with Monday hangover and automatically agrees to everything. Success rate approaches 100%. Clerk thinks I have supernatural timing abilities. Clients believe I've mastered 'strategic legal positioning.' Reality: I've weaponized government employee despair."
Share this with three colleagues and one judge who needs to laugh before their next nervous breakdown. Refer five friends and we'll redact your name from next week's confession booth.
55% of law firms struggle with expense tracking.
The other 45%? They just stopped looking.
Stop guessing. Start MyCase.
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Check out Legal LOLz Unfiltered, an "after-hours" affiliate of Legal LOLz and the private club newsletter lawyers read when they're off the clock, on their second scotch, and done pretending to be "professional."
Some of the last week's posts:
• The Great BigLaw Exodus: When Lawyers Discover Life Beyond Billable Hour Hell
• "Made in the U.S.A." Labels and the Legal Fiction of Domestic Manufacturing
• AI Discovers Lawyers Can't Read Their Own Emotional Damage
Fair warning: This "no jokes barred" publication contains the kind of unfiltered commentary that gets quietly forwarded around law firms at midnight with subject lines like "OMG this" and "too real."
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