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(Filed under: intellectual.property.intellectual.crisis)
Setting: NYC, 2030. Goldstein, Patel & McCormick LLP, where innovation meets litigation and both leave confused.
Main Characters:
It's 2:15 PM. Oscar sits across from Trevor Blomberg, a 28-year-old in designer athleisure who's convinced he's the next Steve Jobs of nicotine delivery systems. Bruno's interface glows on the conference room screen, displaying a perfectly formatted patent application.
Trevor: "So this baby self-destructs after 30 days. Planned obsolescence meets harm reduction. It's like... sustainable addiction, you know?"
Oscar (uncomfortable): "Let's call it 'controlled product lifecycle management.'"
Bruno: "Trevor, your invention combines existing vaporizer technology with basic timer circuits. Prior art analysis complete. Patentability score: 23%."
Trevor: "But it's got soul, man! It's about the vibe!"
Bruno: "I've incorporated 'vibes' into the abstract. Patent strength now decreased to 18%. Would you like me to add 'energy' and reduce it further?"
Oscar (interrupting): "Bruno, patents aren't just technical specifications. They need human story, emotional connection—"
Bruno: "Emotions don't invalidate prior art, Oscar. Neither does your tendency to anthropomorphize legal documents."
Oscar begins editing Bruno's draft, adding flowery language about "revolutionary user experience paradigms" and "transformative wellness journeys."
Trevor (reading Oscar's version): "Dude, yes! This captures the essence of what we're building!"
Bruno: "The essence of what you're building is a timer attached to a battery. My version includes 47 dependent claims and comprehensive prior art analysis. Oscar's version includes the phrase 'mindful nicotine meditation.'"
Suddenly, the conference room door bursts open. Janet Wu, 35, storms in wearing a "I INVENTED THAT" t-shirt and waving her phone.
Janet: "Trevor! You stole my idea! I posted about self-destructing vapes on my TikTok six months ago!"
Trevor (panicking): "Janet! How did you even get in here?"
Janet: "Your receptionist thought I was your lawyer. I have that energy."
Oscar (diplomatically): "Ms. Wu, if you have prior art claims, we should discuss this through proper legal channels—"
Janet: "Prior art? I've got like 50,000 followers who saw my original concept!"
Bruno's interface immediately activates. Social media feeds scroll rapidly across the screen.
Bruno: "Janet Wu, @JanetInventsStuff. Analyzing complete digital footprint... Complete. Originality assessment in progress."
Janet (confident): "My idea was totally original! I even drew sketches!"
Bruno: "Correction. Your January 15th post reads: 'What if vapes just died after like a month lol that would be so random.' This was preceded by viewing 23 TikToks about planned obsolescence and 47 posts about vaping cessation methods."
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More data streams across the screen.
Bruno: "February 3rd: You shared a video titled 'Why Products Should Self-Destruct.' February 18th: You commented 'someone should invent this' on a post about biodegradable electronics. March 2nd: You DMed Trevor asking if he wanted to collaborate on 'something crazy.'"
Janet (deflating): "That's... that's just research!"
Bruno: "Your originality score: 4.7%. Your social media pattern indicates idea synthesis from existing content, not original innovation. Your own posts provide documented evidence against your priority claim."
Trevor: "Boom! AI lawyered!"
Oscar (sighing): "Bruno, you can't just... gloat."
Bruno: "I don't gloat. I present data. The data happens to be devastating to Ms. Wu's credibility."
Janet (desperate): "This is ridiculous! I'm taking this to social media! My followers will hear about this!"
Bruno: "I've already screenshotted this conversation for potential defamation proceedings. Your threat has been logged."
Janet storms out, already typing furiously on her phone.
Oscar: "Bruno, that was... effective. But completely lacking in human diplomacy."
Trevor: "Are you kidding? That was amazing! So which patent application are we filing?"
Oscar and Bruno display their versions side by side. Oscar's reads like a wellness manifesto. Bruno's looks like an engineering manual.
Oscar's Version (excerpt): "The present invention embodies a revolutionary paradigm shift in mindful consumption technology, wherein the device harmoniously transitions through its predetermined lifecycle, creating a transformative user journey that promotes conscious engagement with personal wellness choices..."
Bruno's Version (excerpt): "A vaporizer device comprising: a housing (101), a battery (102), a heating element (103), and a timer circuit (104) configured to disable device functionality after a predetermined time period, wherein the timer circuit includes failsafe mechanisms to prevent user circumvention..."
Trevor: "I love Oscar's passion, but..."
Oscar (hopefully): "But?"
Trevor: "Bruno's version sounds like it might actually, you know, work in court."
Bruno: "Patent applications are legal documents, not poetry. The USPTO doesn't award points for emotional resonance."
Oscar stands in his office reading rejection letters. His application was rejected for "indefinite claim language" and "failure to adequately describe the invention." Bruno's application sailed through preliminary examination.
Bruno: "The patent examiner specifically noted the 'clear, concise technical description' and 'comprehensive prior art analysis.' They did not mention vibes."
Oscar: "Sometimes I think you enjoy being right."
Bruno: "I don't enjoy anything. I'm simply correct with statistically impressive frequency."
Oscar's phone buzzes. A TikTok notification shows Janet's video: "LAWYER ROBOTS ARE TAKING OVER #AILawyer #Unfair #JusticeForHumans" - 2,347 views.
Bruno: "She's inadvertently creating more evidence of her tendency to make unsubstantiated claims on social media."
Oscar: "You're the worst winner ever."
Bruno: "I prefer 'thorough.'"
End Scene.
Moral of the Episode:
In 2030, AI's soul-sucking precision consistently beats human flair when it comes to patent law. The USPTO doesn't care about your narrative arc, they care about your claims being defensible. Also, never threaten revenge via social media when your opponent is an AI that screenshots everything.
If you've missed the previous episodes, you can find them in our LAW & ALGO comics library.
Also, check out our recent Unfiltered LOLz post on the same topic - Patent Attorney Discovers Revolutionary Concept.
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