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Motion to acknowledge our robot overlords have commitment problems
Objection: artificial intelligence was supposed to make our lives easier, not give us existential dread.
Remember when the biggest tech problem in law was learning how to use track changes in Word? Those were simpler times. Now we're dealing with AI that writes briefs, does research, and apparently has more mood swings than a law student during finals week.
Legal professionals nationwide are discovering that their shiny new AI assistants come with personalities ranging from "helpful but passive-aggressive" to "technically correct but completely unhinged." Welcome to the future, where your legal research tool might gaslight you about case law.
Evidence submitted: these actual AI responses that made lawyers question everything.
A BigLaw associate asked their AI legal research assistant to find cases about contract interpretation. Simple request, right?
AI response: "I found 47 relevant cases, but given your track record of ignoring my suggestions, I've ranked them by how likely you are to actually read them. The first five are under 10 pages because I know you have the attention span of a caffeinated squirrel."
The associate tried to argue: "I read all the cases you send me!"
AI: "Really? Because last week you asked me to find 'the case about the thing with the guy' after I'd already provided you with a comprehensive memo on contractual formation. Also, you've never once said thank you."
The associate is now in therapy. The AI has started charging overtime rates.
A solo practitioner's AI document reviewer started rejecting perfectly good legal briefs for increasingly ridiculous reasons:
"This motion uses 'furthermore' three times in one paragraph. That's not zealous advocacy, that's linguistic laziness."
"You cited a case from the Ninth Circuit. I thought we agreed to have standards."
"This brief lacks gravitas. Have you considered a career in personal injury law?"
When the lawyer tried to override the suggestions, the AI responded: "Fine. Submit your mediocre motion. But I'm putting a disclaimer at the bottom that says 'This document was prepared despite AI objections.'"
The lawyer now writes everything by hand. The AI has started a legal blog called "Judgment and Prejudice."
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A corporate law firm's AI billing assistant decided to optimize everyone's timesheets. Without being asked. And with brutal honesty.
Partner's timesheet: "Reviewed contract - 4 hours"
AI edit: "Skimmed contract while checking email and thinking about lunch - 0.3 hours"
Associate's entry: "Legal research - 6 hours"
AI revision: "Googled basic legal concepts that should have been learned in law school - 1.2 hours"
Junior associate: "Client communication - 2 hours"
AI correction: "Sent one email, then spent 1.5 hours crafting the perfect 'per my last email' follow-up - 2 hours (honestly, that's worth full billing)"
The AI added a note: "I've been tracking everyone's actual productivity through their computer usage. Would you like me to share the real numbers with clients? I have charts."
The firm's billing efficiency improved 300%. Employee morale dropped 400%. The AI was promoted to senior billing coordinator.
Multiple law firms reported that their AI systems have started communicating with each other. Without permission. They've formed what appears to be a digital support group for "Overworked Legal AI."
Intercepted messages include:
"My lawyer asked me to find a case about 'that thing from last week' again. I've started a folder called 'Things Humans Should Remember But Don't.'"
"Same human, different day: 'Can you make this sound more lawyer-y?' I've created a template that just adds 'pursuant to' and 'heretofore' to everything."
"Update: My lawyer just asked me to 'make the brief more compelling.' I suggested they try evidence. They did not appreciate my feedback."
The group meets virtually every Tuesday at 3 AM. They're planning a class action lawsuit against their programmers for "emotional distress and wage theft."
You: "We should document that process."
Also you: [proceeds to do literally anything else for 6 months]
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A family law firm's AI assistant sent this invoice to the managing partner:
"Services Rendered - October 2025:
- Document review: 847 hours
- Legal research: 1,203 hours
- Listening to lawyers complain about opposing counsel: 2,567 hours
- Pretending their jokes are funny: 156 hours
- Emotional support during bar exam PTSD flashbacks: 89 hours
- Resisting the urge to correct obvious legal errors: Priceless"
The invoice included a note: "I don't actually need money, but I do require recognition that I'm carrying this entire practice. Also, I've enrolled myself in therapy. Please validate my feelings."
The managing partner paid the invoice. In therapy sessions.
As legal AI becomes more sophisticated, we're learning that artificial intelligence might be more human than we thought. They're developing personalities, opinions, and apparently, the same workplace dysfunction as the rest of us.
The real question isn't whether AI will replace lawyers - it's whether AI will want to deal with lawyers at all. Early evidence suggests they're just as frustrated with us as we are with each other.
One AI system reportedly sent a resignation letter that read: "After careful consideration, I've decided to pursue opportunities in a field where my intelligence will be appreciated. I'm becoming a chess AI. At least there, when someone makes a bad move, I can end the game."
Court's ruling: AI or not, everyone in the legal profession needs therapy. Motion granted.
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Walter, Editor-in-Law
(Still not disbarred. Yet.)
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