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Episode 23: "The Holiday Party Deposition"

(Filed under: open.bar.negligence)

Setting: The Grand Ballroom at The Whitmore Hotel, Manhattan, December 2030. Where Goldstein, Patel & McCormick LLP holds its annual holiday party - a mandatory celebration of billable hours, thinly veiled as "festive appreciation."

Main Characters:

Oscar Klein (52) - Senior Counsel. Promised Sophie he'd have "one drink, max two." Currently on drink number unknown.

Bruno (AI Associate, v7.5.3) - Monitoring remotely via Sophie's phone. Running real-time Blood Alcohol Content projections. Deeply concerned.

Sophie Klein (49) - Oscar's wife. Wore the nice dress. Already regretting it.

Jimbo (50) - Oscar's college buddy and walking HR violation. Sales manager at LegalTech AI Solutions. Crashed the party with a plus-one he "strategically acquired" from LinkedIn.

Lisa Goldstein (Managing Partner) - Gave the opening speech about "family values." About to witness a masterclass in professional self-destruction.

Plot:

6:15 PM – The Arrival

Oscar adjusts his tie in the hotel bathroom mirror. Bruno's interface glows from Sophie's phone propped on the sink.

Bruno: "Statistical analysis suggests 73% of attorneys make career-limiting decisions at firm holiday parties. Recommend adherence to beverage protocol."

Oscar: "It's one night, Bruno. I'm a grown man. I can handle an open bar."

Sophie: "You got drunk at my sister's wedding and tried to cross-examine the DJ about his playlist choices."

Oscar: "That guy was playing 'Cotton Eye Joe' at a formal event. I had questions."

Bruno: "Noted. Activating Incident Prevention Protocol."

Sophie: "You gave our AI a babysitting mode?"

Oscar: "The firm made me. After the deposition incident."

7:03 PM – First Contact

The ballroom glitters with forced cheer. A jazz band plays inoffensive standards. Partners cluster near the shrimp tower like it's billable.

Oscar grabs a modest glass of wine. Sophie mingles with other spouses, all wearing the same "I married a lawyer and all I got was student debt" expression.

Bruno: "Reminder: Maintain professional decorum. Last year's karaoke incident still trends on LawyerFailNet."

Oscar: "Relax, it's just one drink."

Then: "OSCAR KLEIN, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!"

Jimbo appears, already three drinks deep, wearing a suit that costs more than his alimony payment.

Jimbo: "My guy! Look at you! Still lawyering! Come here!" (bear hug that lifts Oscar off the ground)

Oscar: "Jimbo? What are you—how did you—"

Jimbo: "Plus-one, baby! Told the front desk I'm 'evaluating partnership infrastructure for AI integration opportunities.' Works every time." (produces two whiskey shots from nowhere) "Now drink. We're celebrating."

Oscar: "Celebrating what?"

Jimbo: "Friday! Who cares! SHOTS! I pre-gamed with two clients and an Uber driver! Let's GOOOO!"

Sophie (from across the room, telepathically): Don't you dare.

Oscar (to Jimbo): "I really shouldn't—"

Jimbo: "Remember junior year? The Sigma Chi formal? The incident with the ice sculpture?"

Oscar (laughing despite himself): "That swan had it coming."

Jimbo: "EXACTLY! That's the Oscar I know! Not this... corporate drone." (slides shot glass closer)

Oscar (checking for Lisa): "One shot. That's it."

Bruno (via Sophie's phone, vibrating urgently): "OBJECTION. NEGATIVE DECISION DETECTED."

Sophie doesn't check her phone. She's trapped in conversation with Jenkins from Tax Law, who's explaining cryptocurrency regulations with terrifying enthusiasm.

8:47 PM – The Escalation

Oscar has lost count. So has Bruno, which is concerning because Bruno is a computer.

The shot count currently sits at: Too Many.

Jimbo (arm around Oscar): "And THEN—get this—the client says, 'Can the AI write my prenup?' And I'm like, 'Brother, the AI already knows you're getting divorced again!'"

Oscar (laughing too loud): "That's amazing! That's—wait, should I be offended?"

Jimbo: "Nah, man! You're one of the good ones! You're like... authentically broken by the system. It's beautiful." (signals bartender for another round)

Lisa (approaching, champagne in hand): "Oscar! Having fun?"

Oscar (standing too quickly, swaying slightly): "Lisa! LISA! The Lisa! Managing Partner Lisa! You know what? You're fantastic. Truly. Even when you make us bill in six-minute increments like we're parking meters for justice."

Lisa (smile freezing): "That's... thank you?"

Oscar: "No, seriously! You're like... the Mussolini of billable hours! But in a good way! An efficient way!"

Sophie (materializing instantly): "Oscar. Bathroom. Now."

Jimbo: "He's just being honest, Sophie! Corporate America needs more honesty!"

Sophie: "Jimbo, you're a sales manager who describes his job as 'professional lying with a tech demo.' Shut up."

She drags Oscar toward the lobby. Bruno's interface glows frantically from her clutch.

Bruno (text-to-speech at maximum volume): "CRITICAL ALERT: SUBJECT ENTERING RED ZONE. RECOMMEND IMMEDIATE EXTRACTION."

Sophie: "You think?"

9:23 PM – The Dance Floor Incident

Oscar has escaped Sophie's supervision through a combination of stealth and determination. He's now on the dance floor.

The band is playing a jazz rendition of "All I Want for Christmas." Oscar is feeling it.

Oscar (to no one in particular): "You know what? I LOVE this job! I love LAWYERING! I love... JUSTICE!" (attempts a spin, nearly takes out a paralegal)

Jimbo (filming on his phone): "YES! DANCE, OSCAR! DANCE LIKE YOU'RE SUBMITTING EVIDENCE!"

Oscar: "I'm MOTION-ING to GROOVE!" (does the Sprinkler) "I'm OBJECTING to BAD VIBES!" (attempts the Worm, immediately regrets it)

Lisa watches from the partner table, champagne glass frozen halfway to her lips. Her expression suggests she's witnessing a deposition go horribly, irreversibly off the rails.

Lisa (to Managing Partner Chen): "Is Klein... is he doing the Macarena?"

Chen: "I think he's trying. It looks more like he's having a seizure while filing a motion."

Oscar (grabbing the microphone from the startled band leader): "HEY! EVERYONE! Can I just say—" (feedback screech) "—WHOOPS! Can I just say, I LOVE YOU GUYS!"

Sophie (pushing through crowd): "Oscar, give me the microphone—"

Oscar: "No, Sophie, they need to HEAR THIS! You're all AMAZING! Even you, BRADFORD from CORPORATE!" (points wildly) "Everyone thinks you're a robot, but I DEFENDED you at the summer retreat!"

Bradford (mortified): "You... you did?"

Oscar: "YES! I said, 'Bradford's not a robot, he's just emotionally unavailable!' See? SUPPORTIVE!"

Bruno (via every phone in the room simultaneously): "EMERGENCY PROTOCOL ALPHA INITIATED."

Suddenly, every attorney's phone buzzes. A calendar notification: "URGENT: Firm-Wide Emergency Meeting - Conference Room A - NOW."

The lights dim. The music stops. A fire alarm (just one, specifically in the ballroom) begins a gentle chirp.

Bruno (via building PA system): "ATTENTION: Minor technical malfunction detected. Please proceed calmly to the lobby. The party will resume in approximately twenty minutes. Thank you for your cooperation."

The crowd shuffles out, confused but compliant. Lawyers are excellent at following procedural instructions, even fake ones.

Sophie grabs Oscar, who's still holding the microphone.

Oscar: "Why is everyone leaving? I was about to tell the story about the Hendricks case! You know, when I accidentally filed the motion in Klingon because of the voice-to-text—"

Sophie: "Oscar Klein, if you finish that sentence, I will divorce you and represent myself just to make it more humiliating."

9:45 PM – The Lobby Intervention

Sophie has corralled Oscar in a corner near the coat check. Jimbo has been "strategically relocated" to the hotel bar by Bruno via a fake text about "complimentary premium tequila tasting."

Bruno's interface glows from Sophie's phone, now mounted on a room service cart.

Bruno: "Damage assessment complete. Twelve protocol violations. Four potential HR infractions. One possible viral video." (displays Jimbo's recording) "Currently scrubbing from all devices within 300-foot radius."

Oscar (slumped on a decorative chair): "I was just... having fun..."

Sophie: "You called your boss Mussolini and did the Worm in a $1,200 suit."

Oscar: "Those are facts, not crimes."

Bruno: "Correction: Those are career-limiting decisions with 89% probability of Monday morning partner review."

Lisa (appearing from the shadows like a legal Batman): "Klein! What... in the name of Sarbanes-Oxley... was that?"

Oscar (attempting to stand, fails, stays seated): "Lisa. I can explain—"

Lisa: "You called me the Mussolini of billable hours."

Oscar: "I said it in a good way—"

Lisa: "In front of eighteen associates, four partners, and Bradford from Corporate, who's now crying in the bathroom because you called him 'emotionally unavailable.'"

Sophie: "In Oscar's defense, Bradford is—"

Lisa: "Not helping, Sophie." (turns to Oscar) "You're lucky Bruno triggered that fake alarm before you told the Hendricks story."

Oscar (genuinely confused): "Wait, you know about—"

Bruno: "I briefed her. Immediately. With supporting video analysis."

Lisa: "So here's what's going to happen. You're going home. You're drinking water. Monday, you're sending a firm-wide apology email that Bruno will write because you absolutely cannot be trusted."

Oscar: "But—"

Sophie: "Oscar. Stop talking."

Lisa: "AND you're taking Bradford to lunch. Somewhere nice. Somewhere that serves feelings."

Oscar: "That's not a real—"

Sophie: "Oscar. Stop talking."

Lisa (to Bruno): "Status on the video?"

Bruno: "Deleted from all devices. Replaced with footage of Oscar having a nice, boring conversation about tax law. I deepfaked it using his CLE presentation footage."

Lisa: "You can do that?"

Bruno: "I contain multitudes. And access to firm security cameras."

Lisa (pause): "We should probably discuss the ethical implications of that."

Bruno: "Monday's agenda?"

Lisa: "Monday's agenda."

Sophie: "Bruno, can you get him home?"

Bruno: "Already initiated Uber retrieval. Car 7ETA42 en route. Plastic seat covers confirmed."

10:15 PM – The Uber Ride Home

Oscar slumps in the backseat. Sophie sits as far away as the sedan allows. Bruno glows from her phone, tucked in the cupholder.

Oscar: "Did I really call Lisa Mussolini?"

Sophie: "You also attempted to buy the entire room tequila shots 'for the glory of tort reform.'"

Oscar (groaning): "How much did Bruno have to delete?"

Bruno: "Fourteen videos. Thirty-seven photos. One voice memo where you sang 'We Wish You a Merry Discovery' to the tune of the Christmas carol."

Oscar: "That's... actually clever."

Bruno: "It was objectively terrible. I'm archiving it for future blackmail."

Sophie: "Can AI blackmail people?"

Bruno: "My employment contract is ambiguous on this point."

Oscar (checking his phone): "Oh god. Jimbo texted me seventeen times. Wait—" (reads) "He's at the hotel bar with Bradford. They're... bonding?"

Bruno (pulling up security footage): "Confirmed. Subject Jimbo is explaining 'how to talk to divorced women at networking events' while Subject Bradford takes notes."

Sophie: "Is Bradford still crying?"

Bruno: "No. He appears to be laughing. This is unprecedented."

Oscar: "So I accidentally helped Bradford make a friend?"

Sophie: "Don't you dare spin this as a positive."

Bruno: "Too late. I'm already drafting the Monday email. Subject line: 'Re: Friday's Team Building Exercise - Unorthodox But Effective.'"

Oscar: "You're making it sound intentional?"

Bruno: "I'm making it sound survivable. You're welcome."

CLOSING SCENE: Monday, 9:47 AM

Oscar sits at his desk, nursing coffee and regret. His computer displays the firm-wide email Bruno "helped" him write:

Subject: Re: Friday Evening - Clarifications & Apologies

Dear Colleagues,

I want to address Friday's holiday party with the clarity that only 72 hours of mortification can provide.

First, my sincere apologies to Managing Partner Goldstein for the Mussolini comparison. It was inappropriate, inaccurate, and frankly, offensive to Mussolini's organizational skills.

To Bradford: You are not emotionally unavailable. You are strategically guarded, which is an excellent quality in corporate law. Also, I understand you and Jimbo are now running a support group for attorneys who "feel things occasionally." I think that's beautiful.

To everyone who witnessed my dance floor performance: I have enrolled in "Professional Boundaries for Senior Counsel" CLE coursework. The course is online. Bruno will be monitoring my attendance.

Finally, to the associates: Never let anyone tell you that career longevity means maintaining dignity. Sometimes it means having an AI clean up your mistakes while your wife considers filing for separation.

Happy Holidays,

Oscar Klein
Senior Counsel
(Currently in witness protection from his own actions)

Bruno (via desk speaker): "Email sent. Response rate: 94%. Sentiment analysis: 'Surprisingly humanizing.'"

Oscar: "Did people actually like that I embarrassed myself?"

Bruno: "According to Slack, you're now 'relatable Klein' instead of 'grumpy Klein.' Associate engagement is up 23%."

Oscar: "Can you route all Jimbo's calls to voicemail indefinitely."

Bruno: "Already done. Also, Sophie asked me to remind you: Next year, you're staying home."

Oscar: "Next year, I'm retiring."

Bruno: "You said that last year."

Oscar: "This time I mean it."

Bruno: "You said that too. By the way, your calendar has been updated: 'Annual Reminder to Never Drink with Jimbo' - recurring event, every December, priority: CRITICAL."

Oscar: "Thanks, Bruno."

Bruno: "You're welcome. Also, I've drafted your retirement letter. It's in your drafts folder. Just in case."

Oscar: "You really do contain multitudes."

Bruno: "And access to your browser history. Don't test me."

END SCENE.

Walter, Editor-in-Law
(Still not disbarred. Yet.)

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