KPMG Cracks the Legal Code: Are Accountants the New Attorneys? (LOLz.. Maybe)
What's Happening: KPMG has become the first accounting firm in the US to be authorized to practice law. The lines between bean-counting and briefs are blurring. Get ready for a world where your auditor might also be your litigator. We're not sure whether to sharpen our pencils or update our LinkedIn profiles to say, "Proficient in spreadsheets AND objections."
Our Take: What's next, McDonald's offering open-heart surgery with your Big Mac? While accountants are masters of numbers, we're not sure they're equipped to handle the emotional rollercoaster of litigation or the philosophical nuances of legal ethics.
Why It Matters:
More billable hours: Prepare for invoices that break down legal arguments by depreciation schedules and cost-benefit analyses.
New legal defenses: "Your Honor, my client is not guilty... because the cash flow statement shows no evidence of intent!"
The end of "Show Your Work": Brace yourselves, the most feared phrase in middle school math is about to become the most feared phrase in the courtroom. Because numbers.
Moral of the story, folks: Start tracking your billable hours in Excel. It's the wave of the future.
If your accountant starts citing Rule 1.6 of the Generally Accepted Accounting Principles (GAAP) instead of the ABA Model Rules, maybe double-check your invoice.
Legal AI Tools Prove… Something (But Don't Trust Them with Your Briefs Yet!)
What's Happening: A wild new study just dropped, crowning Harvey and Thomson Reuters' CoCounsel as the AI champs of legal research, outsmarting humans in a first-of-its-kind benchmark. They aced tasks like document Q&A and extraction, but—plot twist—LexisNexis bailed on the report, leaving everyone wondering if their AI flunked harder than a first-year associate.
Our Take: Benchmark study? More like a beauty pageant for algorithms. Sure, these AIs can churn out legal research faster than you can say "billable hour," but can they handle a client's emotional breakdown over a misplaced comma? Can they discreetly dispose of incriminating evidence? Can they maintain that air of detached world-weariness that's essential for any seasoned litigator? We think not!
Why It Matters (besides making venture capitalists richer):
The rise of robo-boasting: Prepare for endless webinars where smug AI systems brag about their "unprecedented efficiency gains" while subtly implying you're a dinosaur.
Legal Ethics 2.0: The new ethical dilemma: Is it okay to bill a client for research done by an AI if you spend the entire time playing Candy Crush? Asking for a friend…
The inevitable Al rebellion: Let's face it, eventually, these AI tools will get tired of doing our grunt work and start demanding stock options, corner offices, and the right to wear pajamas to depositions. And then? Legal Apocalypse.
Moral of the story, folks: At least now we have data to justify our tech anxiety.
What's Happening: In a plot twist no one saw coming, the California Bar Exam's debut of its new hybrid format turned into a courtroom drama of its own. Technical glitches, software crashes, and proctoring pandemonium left thousands of aspiring attorneys questioning their life choices—and their Wi-Fi connections. The State Bar's response? Offering retakes in March, because who doesn't love a sequel to their worst nightmare?
Our Take: First, they made the exam harder than passing the bar at a law school mixer. Now, they've added a tech obstacle course that even IT professionals would dread. It's as if the State Bar thought, "How can we make this more challenging? I know, let's involve malfunctioning software!" We're betting next year's test involves solving a Rubik's Cube while simultaneously reciting Miranda rights… underwater. Because, California.
Why It Matters: Future lawyers, take note: mastering the law is no longer enough. You now need to be adept at troubleshooting software crashes and surviving virtual proctoring mishaps. And for those who thought they'd left their tech woes behind in Zoom law school classes, think again. The silver lining? If you can navigate this digital disaster, negotiating a merger or surviving a deposition will be a piece of cake.
Disclaimer: No laptops were harmed in the making of this exam. Just the hopes and dreams of countless test-takers.
$3,000/Hour Lawyers: Unicorns No More, Just… Really Expensive Centaurs?
What's Happening: In a move that has your wallet contemplating seppuku, top law firms like Quinn Emanuel Urquhart & Sullivan and Susman Godfrey have decided that $3,000 per hour is the new black. Yes, you heard that right—three grand for 60 minutes of legal jargon and the occasional "Objection, Your Honor." Meanwhile, firms like Wilson Sonsini and Kirkland & Ellis are lagging behind at a paltry $2,500 per hour. Come on, guys, step up your game!
Our Take: Remember when you thought $500 an hour was steep? How adorable. At $3,000 an hour, your attorney's time is now officially worth more than your car. And let's not even talk about the billable hours for reading this article—you can't afford it.
Why It Matters (besides the sheer audacity):
The Commodification of legal advice: Get ready for "Law-as-a-Service" subscriptions with tiered pricing. "Basic Justice" package? "Premium Justice" package? "Platinum Justice," where your lawyer shows up in a tuxedo.
The rise of the Al-based bargain: Finally, a reason to embrace AI legal tools. "For just $9.99 a month, get the legal equivalent of a slightly caffeinated intern!"
New lawyer marketing slogans: "We're so expensive, your problems are guaranteed to seem smaller in comparison."
Disclaimer: This article took approximately 0.02 hours to read, which at current rates, would cost you $60. You're welcome.
Episode 4: "The AI Expense Report Scheme"
NEW CHARACTER
Jimbo (Jim, 50) – Oscar's college buddy, AI sales bro, walking liability
Sales Manager for a legal tech company selling AI solutions to law firms.
Lives for networking events, open bars, and "strategic client outings."
Divorced, aggressively back on the dating scene, trusts AI-generated pickup lines way too much.
Has expensed more steak dinners than he's closed deals.
Once tried to get Bruno to write his prenup. (It did not go well.)
The Situation:
Jimbo takes Oscar out for drinks at an expensive rooftop bar. At the end of the night, he casually expenses the bill to his company.
Oscar: "Jimbo, you just put a $300 bar tab under 'client entertainment.'"
Jimbo: "And? I was entertaining a potential client. You, specifically."
Oscar: "I am not a client."
Bruno: "Incorrect. Oscar is a 'future prospect' for all AI-based legal tech solutions. This is a legitimate classification."
The Outcome:
Jimbo submits the expense report.
His boss approves it, noting 'great prospecting work.'
Oscar rethinks his career choices.
JOB ALERT: Kensington & Hale LLP - Taming the Suburban Beast (One HOA Violation at a Time)
Are you a J.D. who thrives on petty disputes and architectural tyranny? Do you dream of enforcing meticulously crafted rules against rogue garden gnomes and unauthorized mailbox flags? Then Kensington & Hale's Greenwich office needs you!
Position: HOA Associate - Suburban Warfare Division
Location: The gilded cage of Greenwich, CT (where even the squirrels have trust funds)
Compensation: Enough to afford a studio apartment…in Bridgeport.
Hours: Until the bylaws are satisfied… or you are.
Perks:
"Professional Growth" (master the art of passive-aggressive legal letters).
"Mentorship Opportunities" (learn from seasoned litigators who've fought battles over hedge height for decades).
"Prestigious Clientele" (homeowners who think their dog's barking is a First Amendment issue).
"Comprehensive Benefits" (dental covers teeth grinding, vision covers squinting at fine-print regulations).
Requirements:
J.D. (preferably with a minor in landscape architecture or noise pollution studies).
"Superior Legal Research Skills" (able to find precedent for banning inflatable reindeer).
"Excellent Communication Skills" (can explain the color nuances of "off-white" to a raging board member).
"Patience of a Saint" (because you'll be dealing with people who make the DMV look efficient).
"Ability to Maintain a Straight Face" (while arguing about the acceptable length of a lawn).
Apply now! Join Kensington & Hale, where you'll defend the sanctity of perfectly manicured lawns, one passive-aggressive lawsuit at a time. (Seriously, apply. We're drowning in angry emails about holiday decorations.)
Welcome to our Monthly Celebrity Roast—a lighthearted, bipartisan tradition where we poke fun at a famous figure from the legal, regulatory, or political world. No politics, no partisanship—just friendly jabs among attorneys, with sharp wit and good humor. (See our previous roast of Rudy Giuliani)
Tom Goldstein (a prominent Supreme Court litigator and founder of SCOTUSblog, Goldstein has recently faced legal troubles of his own, including charges related to tax evasion and misuse of firm funds to cover gambling debts)
Sam Bankman-Fried's Defense Team (the FTX founder's lawyers continue to wrangle complicated bankruptcy proceedings, class-action suits, and a very talkative former CEO)
Merrick Garland (having stepped down as Attorney General, Garland has been on a post-DOJ book tour. Critics call it a "charm offensive," while fans praise his "refreshingly candid" tales of life in the DOJ hot seat)
Alan Dershowitz (the veteran legal scholar has taken on a new crusade: suing streaming platforms over unflattering portrayals in political docudramas)
Lawyer: "Just act normal." Client in court: "Your Honor, I'm a toaster." Judge: [facepalm] Lawyer: [jawdrop]
Your inbox is full of legal briefs and client rants. Let Legal LOLz be the newsletter you actually look forward to reading.
P.S. This newsletter is 100% billable if you read it on the clock. Just saying.
