Hello fellow Family Law Warriors and People Who Still Believe In Love,
Somewhere right now, a Louboutin is being thrown across a conference room. A partner is drafting a letter about a dog. A prenup signed on a yacht is being read by someone who wishes it wasn’t. This is that world. We went in.
Objection sustained in advance. Let’s get into it. ⚖😂
| Observed: | Four archetypes. Every firm has at least two under one roof. |
| “The Softener” | Opens every consultation with “I know this is hard.” Means it, genuinely, right up until the fee agreement, which is somehow the least soft document in the English language. |
| “The Vulture” | Circles the moment someone mentions “irreconcilable differences” at a dinner party. Has a business card in every pocket, including the gym bag. Calls a messy split “a great case.” |
| “The Billable Hour Barracuda” | Bills in six-minute increments and has never once rounded down. A voicemail costs money. A voicemail about a voicemail costs more. |
| “The Peacemaker Who Isn’t” | Says “let’s keep this amicable” in the same tone as “let’s not make this weird,” which is to say, right before it gets extremely weird. |
| Subject: | A real time sheet. Names redacted. Dog not redacted. |
| 0.3 hrs | Reviewed client’s text thread titled “proof.” |
| 0.6 hrs | Call with client re: whether the dog counts as marital property. |
| 1.1 hrs | Drafted strongly worded letter re: the dog. |
| 0.2 hrs | Client called to ask if we saw the dog’s Instagram. |
| 2.4 hrs | Prepared for hearing. Dog not present. Dog still discussed. |
| Subject: | Three cases that entered the family law hall of fame. Names changed. Absurdity accurate. |
The napkin prenup. A couple signed their prenup on a cocktail napkin at their own engagement party, both parties confident it was “basically binding.” Eleven years later, opposing counsel produced the napkin in a sealed evidence bag like it was the Constitution. It was, legally, closer to a coaster. [See, e.g., Bar Napkin v. Actual Contract, 12 Cocktail L. Rev. 4 (2019)]
The yacht that would not settle. Two exceptionally wealthy people reached agreement on the kids, the house, and the art collection in four months. The yacht took two years, three appraisers, and one deposition in which a marine surveyor testified for ninety minutes about teak. Neither party has used the yacht since.
The peacock appeal. A custody dispute over an emotional support peacock went to appeal on the question of whether the bird had, in fact, provided emotional support to anyone, ever. The appellate panel declined to rule on the peacock’s subjective emotional output. The peacock was unavailable for comment.
| Position: | Divorce Attorney, because love is temporary but alimony is forever |
Are you a J.D. with a talent for turning “I do” into “I demand half of everything I own, including the dog”? Do you thrive in a high-stakes environment where tears, accusations, and strategically placed paparazzi photos are just part of the morning commute? Kensington & Hale’s LA office needs you.
| Position | Divorce Associate, High-Net-Worth Breakup Division |
| Location | Sunny Los Angeles, CA (where even the palm trees have had work done) |
| Compensation | Competitive, unless your client’s prenup says otherwise |
| Hours | Until your client is either free or financially ruined |
Perks
Requirements
Join Kensington & Hale’s LA Divorce Team and help the glitterati navigate the murky waters of love, money, and paperwork nobody read closely enough the first time. Because in Hollywood, happily ever after usually ends in a subpoena, and somebody has to hold the subpoena.
Family law gets none of the prestige of Biglaw M&A and all of the emotional weather. No tombstone deal announcement. No closing dinner. Just a client who is, by the end, either finally free or finally out of things to fight about, and a file that took eighteen months to close a marriage that took eighteen minutes at a courthouse to open.
Walter, Editor-in-Law
Still not disbarred. Yet.
Which archetype is your firm’s divorce partner? Best fight-over-an-object story you’ve witnessed? Anonymous dispatches welcome. No DMs subpoenaed.
Forward this to the family law associate who just billed 0.2 hours reviewing a dog’s Instagram. She needs this more than you do.